What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 05:47
But, we were locked up after school.
Would this be the day?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I waited trembling.
It was going to be , some day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot live in the past .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were not on the streets..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is soul school!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Comes on , in middle age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Can I see some saggy tit pics and huge areolas pics?
My family never makes their pension either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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She was in good health!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i lived it daily.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
When she asked me how she looked .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it wasn’t much.
I think the readers, may guess!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So, i spoilt her more .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She found it foreign!.
I said to her
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She loved him until the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She wouldn,t have been !
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I write beautiful poetry .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
Ive learnt so much.
I don,t even have a pension.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What did i know ?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He knew the spot.
Put me off passion for life!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.